Welcome to the first installment of AdJab's The Standing Eight, which, in deference to our boxing heritage, will serve as a list of nifty things - in packs of eight - that you might enjoy. So without further ado, here goes nothing!

Who, you ask, are the sexiest male mascots of all time? Well, I've compiled a list which I think you'll find compelling and/or incredibly insane. Enjoy:

Orville Redenbacher: Sure, he's not much to look at, and he's also dead, but this popcorn magnate has a ton of money, so he's perfect for a gal who's looking for someone to shower them with money and gifts from beyond the grave. What better way to make a girl happy than a bottomless bank account, a lifetime supply of popcorn, and the claw of Cerberus, the demon dog who guards the gateway to Hades (whom Redenbacher defeated using his magic bow tie)? Sink your talons into this one and don't let go, ladies.

Sonny the Cuckoo Bird: A fun, eccentric fowl, and a dynamo in the sack, according to the book Mascots I've Slept With: The Positively True Confessions of the Morton Salt Girl. He's the perfect feathery hunk of love meat, if you don't mind always being second to a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop: Yes, apparently these elves really do everything together. While rather tepid lovers individually, they really know how to warm up your marshmallow treats when they work as a team. Although, my sources tell me Snap and Crackle are the real studs, and Pop doesn't really add much to the mix. I hear he's nice to talk with, though.

Charlie the Tuna: Charlie is the only mascot with a death wish, and has been trying to find a way into the StarKist company since the early '60s, regardless of the fact that such a deal would result in his being stabbed, gutted, and served up as a casserole. Basically, you could date him, and, when you got sick of him, he'd probably let you eat him. In that respect he's possibly the perfect mate.

Mr. Clean: A hunky guy who shows up when the husband is at work to help a lonely housewife with her chores? I don't think this needs further explanation.

Sugar Bear: Seriously, just listen to that smooth, velvety voice. He's clearly the Barry White of cereal mascots.

Hamburger Helper Helping Hand: See Mr. Clean above. He may seem harmless and a cold fish when it comes to romance, but when was the last time you helped your wife prepare hamburger and did it with such unbridled enthusiasm? Sure, she'll stay with you, but she'll be thinking of The Glove.

Colonel Sanders: As far as I know, Sanders was never a member of any branch of the armed services, despite his name. Another rich dead guy like Redenbacher, this is the one you should go for if you prefer chicken over popcorn. Or, even better, popcorn chicken. Also, free military discounts at the movies, not to mention all those restaurants where zombies and their guests eat free.